Tonight, I went to visit my baby cousin at his boy scout camping trip.
The night sky is so much more beautiful even a little bit out of the city.

-m

"Not all those who wander are lost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

bedbug

bedbug

-m

assignment #2

 

I had problems with my first assignment, but I'm gonna go ahead and try to live and learn. Here are digital photos of my latest assignment, abstract photography. "But Missy, how is this abstract?" you say. Oh ho ho! Well after developing these babies correctly, I'm going to solarize them. Here are some exapmles of solarization, by Man Ray:

Okay, I guess it may not be abstract but it looks so neat.

-m

"Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning. "


-- M. Gandhi.

crit eek

I'm triste.

Today was my first critique for my black and white photography class and I was kicked in the ass. I really wanted to portray this concept of my brother and I failed miserably. Let me list my mistakes: my film was touching when I put it on the reel, I under-developed the film, I incorrectly dodged/burned my pictures, and my framing was all off! I mean, most of these mistakes came to be because I was so rushed and nervous about everything. I didn't know how to correctly use metal reels so after half an hour in the loading room I just prayed it went on correctly. I don't really want to go on but I feel so demoralized. This isn't my first time printing black and white, but why is it still so hard for me?!

Ben tried to cheer me up but I'm just so bent on beating myself up. I can't get myself out of this mind-set. I don't know when I became so negative about everything. I'm really mad at myself because I should know better. Even now I'm sitting in the library getting all hot and angry at myself and I'm hungry but I don't want to get food because I don't deserve it. If someone else were doing this to themselves I would be like "hey, just learn from your mistakes", "don't be so hard on yourself", "go eat, you're just making yourself feel worse." But every time I tell myself that I just get more upset.

It's so hard for me to believe in myself. I envy people who can do it, who have the endurance. Even now I'm thinking "STOP COMPARING YOURSELF" but I can't help it! What the fuck am I supposed to do?! I'm full of deadly sins and mistakes and I can't stop spewing it all over myself. I'm falling apart and it's because of me. Nobody can help me, and when people try I can't help feeling that they're wrong about me, that I really don't have any potential and any that they see in me is false.

Fuck, I'm also so self-centered. Maybe if I tried thinking about others everything would be better, instead of dwelling on myself and my shortcomings.

I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm nothing of what I want to be and I don't even try to fix it. I'm not motivated enough. I just want to go home and rot.

Edit:
I apologize for the rant. I feel less frustrated now, just tired. I think this blog will help me, because I don't think I could put this kind of self torment on anyone else. It's not like I tell these kinds of feelings to anyone else, anyway.
Anyway anyway, here are my pictures/contact sheets. You can see where my film touched. I think I'll scan the pictures to get a better view but you can kind of see my poor attempts and photography. So yeah, I feel a little ridiculous now but I keep setting myself up for disappointment. I should lower my expectations of myself to something a little more realistic. I'm just having trouble dismantling my ambitions.

I'll try to cheer up.

-m

j'aime

Days like these. When my loved one just casts out every inkling of hopelessness in my heart and replaces it with pure,  unadulterated love. These are the days I keep living for.

dockweiler beach, ca

-m

They never know unless I write
"This is no declaration, I just thought I'd let you know goodbye"


-m

things to think about:

• life imitating art. art imitating life.
• nightmares
• socialize or isolate?

-m

I love looking through beautiful houses.
I love looking at pictures of beautiful houses.

I love wide, open, beautiful houses.

I love big open houses and I love cozy little nooks.

-m

when we first met it wasn't what you said,
and still i love you like mad


-m

optimism

feat. bearemy cuddlewalker

today i will do my best to think pink. i will be rosy and delightful and cute. i'm going to be rosy, goddammit. i will.

 

-m

motivation

"Its impossible, thats sure. So lets start working."
-Philippe Petit